Thursday, 10 May 2018

My Relationship With Food & Alcohol

*Trigger Warning: If anything food, alcohol or weight related is triggering to you, please click off of this post now*
We are constantly surrounded by 'thinspiration' posts on social media and social pressures to have abs and a tiny waist. I myself have battled with confidence issues since a young age; I was always the outcast at school and was picked on for my size. Looking back on it I was tiny, but at the time I was considered 'large' for my age within society. Growing up I have always jumped from clothes sizes and weights, but I have always been somewhat healthy. 

However recently in the last year or two I have let myself go quite a lot. In my defence I have been through a lot in the last two years, from deaths, family health issues, breakups, deteriorating mental health and the stress from university and finding a job. In addition to this, I have been on the contraceptive injection and the combined pill, which made me gain weight like crazy and made my mental health plummet! All of this has changed my relationship with food and alcohol quite a lot. I love food and drink as much as the next person, however I have found myself using it as a coping mechanism or a way to procrastinate. For the last few months especially, I have been extremely stressed with university and interviewing for jobs, so naturally and habitually I have turned to alcohol and snacking to 'calm my nerves' and 'keep me sane'. 
This has obviously resulted in me putting on some weight and leaving me feeling a bit sluggish! I only have myself to blame and I know I am the one who needs to make changes in order to be healthier and fitter. I want to be able to wear an outfit again and not worry about my arm fat, cellulite or stretch marks. I want to feel pretty for my boyfriend (even though he finds me pretty regardless of how I look). I want to feel confident and not be worrying about how I look or how others look at me. 

I have uploaded many posts in the past about self-confidence, embracing yourself, talking about my insecurities, sizing of clothing, self-love and learning to love yourself again and this post is not much different. I want to love myself again and I want to feel comfortable at the size I'm at, but at the same time I want to change my relationship with food and alcohol and not rely on it as much as I have done. Binge eating and using alcohol to mask the pain and act as a comfort blanket, can be considered self-harm and I don't think it is spoken about enough! It's a lot more common than people think and you can find yourself in this downward spiral very quickly. 

In no means do I drink to get drunk, but I definitely turn to alcohol in social situations or when I am feeling particularly stressed. It has got to the point where I drink every day and I drink more alcohol than I do water. I need to change this habit and cut down. I need to get back my self control and not let alcohol be the first thing I reach for when I feel anxious or stressed. I need to stop binge eating to procrastinate or cure boredom. I need to change my relationship with food and alcohol and not let it control me. I have got to the point where I don't even care about the effects it has on my body. This needs to change! 
Today I decided to re-download 'MyFitnessPal' and track my daily intake. This stops me from overeating or drinking and allows me to gain some control back. I am not going to push myself to do hours of exercise a week, because it becomes a chore to me, but I am definitely going to gain back some control over my relationship with food and drink, in the hope that this makes me drop a few pounds. I don't expect it to happen overnight and I definitely don't expect to have a model figure, however what I do want is to love myself again and feel happy in my own skin. I don't want food and alcohol to dictate my life. I want to be able to have self-control and look after my physical and mental well-being. 

I've never spoken about my relationship with food and alcohol before, as I have never really seen it as an issue. However, I am beginning to see the effects of constantly eating and drinking and I want to nip it in the bud now, before it is too late. Hopefully when I start my job in the next few weeks, that will keep me active and busy and with hope I'll lose a bit of weight. For now I am going to do what I can to help cut down and feel happy in my body again. 

Any tips or advice would be great!
Have you experienced this?
Let me know in the comments below or Tweet me @petalsofperfect!