Friday, 17 November 2017

Moving Onto Bigger and Better Things

We live in a world where social media equates to 99% of our daily life. From 'Instagramming' that perfect cup of coffee, to Tweeting about the latest drama! We are totally immersed. There's been quite a few things flying around online and in my mind and I really feel like I need to get things off of my chest. 


'Just because it's not on social media, that doesn't mean it's not happening.'

I know people who will tweet about how they're feeling, as a cry for help or to simply just get the thoughts out of their head. I do it, but there are times when I simply can't put into words how I feel. People just assume you're ok because you haven't tweeted about feeling down or that you're struggling. This is where you really see who actually cares about you. The people who check up on you or just start a general conversation with you, without the prompt of a 'negative' tweet are the ones who matter. Recently, I have felt that whenever I tweet something positive, it is seen as a way of 'rubbing it in people's faces'. 

This brings me on to the topic of 'communities' ...

'Just because we are all part of the same community, it doesn't mean we all have to get along.'
'Communities' on twitter can be a great thing. They're a way of meeting new people, engaging in their content and sharing similarities. However, these 'communities' aren't always the best things to be a part of. I'm using the word 'communities' lightly because I really don't like the idea of how they operate. I have been a part of the 'mental health community' for the past year or so. At the beginning, it was a great place to connect with people who also struggled with their mental health; it made me feel less alone, however things don't seem to be this way anymore. 

I feel like if I am not tweeting about how depressed or anxious I am, I simply don't 'fit in' with the community. Another person on Twitter also said that they feel that are not 'unwell enough' to be part of this community. This is where the idea of communities is all wrong. The idea of these communities is to connect people together, however it is doing the complete opposite, in my opinion it is excluding people. This is why I have completely detached myself from any kind of 'community'. A community is just an adult way of saying 'clique'. 

I don't want to feel pressured into posting particular content just to fit in to that group of people. I want to post things for me, engage with whoever I want, say whatever I want! I use social media and an outlet to express how I am feeling, whether that be happy or sad. If I am going through a difficult time, I don't want people feel pressured to ask me if I'm ok just because I am part of a particular community. I'd rather people genuinely care and ask if I'm ok because they actually cared about my wellbeing. 

I recently went through a difficult time in my personal life as some of you may know and I used my
Twitter as a way of expressing how I felt. In no way was I using it as a way to seek attention or force hate on other people. If anything, I did the complete opposite and didn't want anyone to be negative. Some people may say, 'Don't put your personal life online' and the truth is, whatever I put online is such a small part of what is actually happening or how I am feeling. NO ONE knows what went on/goes on behind closed doors. The things you see online are a moderated and edited version. 

We also need to remember that we are all just humans on Twitter. When we signed up, we didn't sign a contract saying that we had to be part of any community. I'm not going to get along with everyone and I'm definitely not going to agree with everyones opinion. If you simply don't want to see my content, unfollow me... believe me, I won't cry about it :') We are all becoming too obsessed with likes, follows and blocking. If someone blocks me, I don't care! I've blocked people or muted them and sometimes I can't even remember why, but I obviously needed to do it at that time... and that's ok! 

'I've moved on, in more ways than one.'
This brings me on to my last point. I have moved on in both my 'online life' and my personal life. My online life started to take over my life and I began to be obsessed with sharing everything online and spending every waking moment online. This was actually doing more harm than good. Being clouded by the mental health topics made it harder for me to recover. Don't get me wrong, it is SO important that we raise awareness, but if you let your mental illness be the only thing going for you in life, you need to take a step back and realise that it's not healthy. Being immersed in it 24/7 made me fixate on it all even more and I forgot that I actually am 'Sophie'. I became 'Sophie, the girl who has social anxiety and depression', I lost the Sophie that has so much more going for her, but was being held back by mental health. 

Following on from this, I have also moved on with my personal life. I have been speaking to new people, I guess you could say I'm now back on the dating scene (scary but exciting)! Speaking to new people who are not connected to my 'online life' in any way, has been so refreshing and has really made me take a step back and realise that I do have a life outside of social media. One person in particular who I've started speaking to has made me realise how fixated I am on the online persona I have created. He even told me that he was worried about me and I haven't even met him yet... that's when I realised that I really do need to take a step back from it all. 

No matter how much people will want to try to hurt me or bring back bad memories, I am not going to let it stop me from living my life. I'm proud to say that I'm a 20 year old woman, who has already achieved so much in her life and has so much going for her.

On to bigger and better things... 

Friday, 20 October 2017

I'm Not Amazing

"You're so strong and amazing" 
"You're doing amazingly well" 
"You've been so amazing with how you've dealt with this"

Over the past year or so this is what I have been hearing. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for all of the support I have, I wouldn't be here today without it but it does get to a point where they're just words. 

I know I am guilty of just saying the generic "You're amazing" advice but like other people, in some situations I just don't know what to say. When does this supportive advice just become the automatic response? 

I am constantly having people tell me that I am strong and amazing but it comes to a point where I just can't even begin to believe it. Yes, sometimes I do feel like the strongest woman in the world and I do think I have handled things in a grown up manner, but how can I listen to someone saying I'm strong when all I feel is defeated and weak? 

I will be lying in bed crying my eyes out, with people sending me the most heartwarming messages telling me how wonderful and inspiring I am. If I was really strong, inspiring or amazing... why am I in bed sobbing until my face is blotchy and I've got snot bubbles blowing from my nose (you're welcome for that lovely image). 

I don't know why I'm like this. I don't know why I can't trust and accept what people say (I mean lets be real, I probably do know why). Am I alone in feeling like this? I guess sometimes what I say or do online is the 'better' version of myself. I might say that I have achieved a lot but what you don't see is the panic, anxiety and struggle I have had to get to that point.

So when you tell me that I'm strong and amazing, don't be offended if I disagree with you. 

Thursday, 12 October 2017

"I felt dirty, I didn't feel like 'me' anymore."

A year ago today I became the girlfriend of a man (if you can call him that) who I thought, I was going to be with for a very long time. As you will know, I'm now no longer with this person due to their selfish and thoughtless acts. Since about the age of 12 years old I have really struggled with my confidence. I was picked on at school, called fat and ugly and that stuck with me for a very long time. Around April last year when I was going through another break up, I took it upon myself to change my attitudes and my body and begin to love myself. I accepted that I wasn't going to be the next Victoria Secret model, I accepted that I wouldn't have men falling at my feet, but I did accept that this was me and I loved myself.

When someone has been cheated on, they often seek for revenge or send hate to the person in question. However with me, I just did not have the energy to stoop as low as he did. We rarely talk about the other factors that come with being cheated on. Yes, we've lost someone who we loved and cared for. Yes, we've lost the future that we had planned and imagined. But, the main thing I've lost is my own self love and confidence. As I'm writing this, my eyes are beginning to tear up because at the moment I feel as if I'm never going to get that self confidence and love back. He has taken that away from me and that is one thing I will never forgive him for. He spent the last year telling me how beautiful I was, how lucky he was to be with me (which he definitely was)... even the morning after he slept with her, he was looking at me while I was looking at myself in the mirror and he was telling me how pretty I looked... knowing full well what he had done to me the day before. 

When I found out what he had done, I felt physically sick to think that I kissed and touched him after he had been with her... I didn't know where she had been and neither did he, he put my health at risk. Which makes this even more confusing for me because it was difficult for us to even sleep together because of what he has, yet he managed to jump into bed with her in a heart beat. That made me feel like I wasn't good enough, like I was doing something wrong and he can tell me time and time again that it wasn't my fault; but there has to be a reason for him to do what he did and I still haven't got an answer. A lot of people have said to me that this is a reflection on him and not me, which I'm trying so hard to believe but my mind does not want to accept that. 

For around a few weeks after everything had happened, I could barely look at myself in the mirror, I couldn't sleep alone in my bed and I had to have my mum sleep next to me, I could barely touch my own body because I felt like they were both on me... I could have endless showers but I'd still feel dirty. I didn't want to put makeup on for a while because all I could keep thinking was that this makeup was on my face when it had 'her' on it. I know it may sound stupid but I know that Rich, if you're reading this, you can definitely understand how this feels... I don't want to make you feel even more guilty than you already feel but the thoughts you've struggled with for a very long time, are now very similar to how you have made me feel. I am in no way saying that I'm suffering in the same way you do, because I've lived with you and I know how hard it is for you... but the same feelings are still there. I can accept what you've done with her because you were clearly very desperate for whatever you did with her, but I can't accept how you have made me hate every single inch of my body. 

I spent hours doing what I could to try and feel clean again. I scrubbed and scrubbed my lips until they were red raw, split and bleeding. I just wanted to get them off of me. My lips used to be my favourite feature about myself, now whenever I look at them, they just look dirty. When I knew every single detail of what they did... from the moment they got naked, to the point where they finished, all I could think about was where I touched him or where he had touched me a few hours after he had been with her. I scrubbed my body to the point it was painful to touch, I didn't feel like 'me' anymore, I lost a sense of who I am. 

I now get too scared to talk to guys and when they compliment me, it just makes me feel sick. I can't trust what they say and I feel like I'm being lied to all over again. I know I shouldn't hate all men for one man's stupid actions, but that is how I feel. It has made me feel vulnerable and lost. 
I'm now at the point where I want to love myself again. I want to spend time doing my hair and makeup and to leave the house feeling confident. I want to get to the stage where talking to a guy, doesn't fill me with anxiety and fear of getting hurt again. I want to wear things I wouldn't normally wear and just have fun with clothes, hair and makeup and just create a new 'me'. I am beginning to lose weight and feel a bit more confident in clothes, which I guess is one good step towards recovery.

It's time to get Sophie back...

If you have experienced something similar, please don't hesitate to comment on this post or message me on Instagram or Twitter. It'll be nice to know I'm not alone.