Monday, 18 September 2017

'Just because I have a mental illness, it doesn't mean I'm a nice person all of the time'

I've often heard the phrase 'mental health community' being thrown around a lot and one of the main things being said by a few people is that, people in a mental health community need to be supportive and kind all the time. There's something about this that really annoys me. Just because we suffer with a mental illness, this does not mean we are not human. We will still be bitchy and we will still speak up when we don't like someone/don't agree with someone. 

Why should we be nice all the time? Yes, this would be the case in an ideal world, but it's just never going to happen. I have social anxiety and depression and yes I will be sympathetic when I want to be but just because I have these illnesses it does not mean I am not going to hate the people who have hurt me. If I have been hurt by someone, I will do what any other human being would do and I will hate them for what they've done to me. It's natural and normal to feel this way. 

We, as mental health bloggers/advocates always say that we will not be defined by our mental illness. So why are we being told that we should be kind and caring all of the time because we are advocates for mental health?

I personally know people who have suffered with their mental health, but have still had the power in them to hurt me and do something so beyond horrible. This is proof that just because mental health is a big part of your life, it doesn't mean you need to be best friends with everyone. 

Of course, it is lovely to have a community to turn to but this does not always necessarily mean that everyone is going to be supportive and kind. But of course, I am not saying to go and hate on everyone who is struggling, they need help!

It's a tricky one... 

What are your thoughts? 

Saturday, 16 September 2017

A single moment...

In that moment, everything changed.
Everything that was planned was suddenly no longer happening.
The future I would have spent with someone is now simply just a thought and no longer a reality.
I felt everything go numb.
The whole world had stopped. 
I was no longer aware of everything around me.
I was vulnerable but I couldn't bring myself to care.

Everything that had just happened, overshadowed all of the happy memories.
In that moment I was lost.
Struggling to grip on to reality, like water falling through my fingers.
Stuck in a whirlwind of emotions; anger, frustration, panic, betrayal, fear, grief, love and worry.
Not knowing where to turn to next.
Fighting to take the next breath, make the next move.

Alone, with the person who I loved next to me but feeling as if they had died and are no longer there.
The person I thought they were or knew them to be didn't exist anymore.
They became a stranger to me, but a stranger who knew every last little detail about me.
Not wanting to leave them because I don't know if that's the last time I'm going to see them.
They've done the worst thing imaginable to me.

Nothing can prepare you for that moment.
In that moment, what I thought my future would be, suddenly slipped away...

Sunday, 18 June 2017

I Am Life's Punching Bag

I feel like I am life's punching bag, constantly being knocked down. It seems like with every positive thing that happens in my life, 10 other negative things happen and overshadow it. Don't get me wrong my life isn't all doom and gloom and I am so lucky to have the life that I do have, but I can't help but feel like I need a break from it all sometimes. 

Nobody ever really talks about how students with mental health issues cope in the summer. I've kind of touched on this in a previous post, which you can read about here. Just because university finishes, it does not mean that your mental illness stops. If anything, for me it gets slightly worse as I haven't got a lot to keep me occupied therefore, giving me too much time to over think and put myself in a bad and unstable mood. Recently, I have been doing whatever I can to keep my mind occupied and active, whilst of course giving myself a break still. I have focused on my blog more, started working with Student Minds and I have started planning my own little project called 'Student Stigma'

Despite all of this, I still feel like a punching bag because it seems that everything I try to achieve recently, has fallen through and I'm basically getting no where with it. I have applied for over 40-50 internships and work experience jobs and only heard back from a couple of them, who agreed to give me the experience. I sent endless emails confirming dates that I could do, to get little to no reply back. Fast forward a month or so and I have now had replies saying they cannot offer it anymore as they have someone else. This has also happened with a handful of others who have advertised a job to then say that they cannot offer it to anyone anymore. I completely respect that this is the way in which life just happens to work but I can't help but feel disheartened. What am I doing wrong? However, I'm not letting this knock me back... I have applied for a couple of part time jobs which I hopefully have some chance of getting, if not I know I have tried. 

So life just keeps punching and punching but I will not give up. I have so much support around me from family and my friends Nicole (who is amazing;) ) and Katie who is equally amazing and of course Rich. Friends are so important to me and they make life's 'punches' a little less damaging. If you are a student struggling over the summer, surround yourself with as much support as you can because believe me, it helps. Students can feel so lonely and useless over the summer, but we need to remember how hard we have worked and we deserve this break. 

If you ever feel like you are struggling, please do not hesitate to DM me on twitter or to leave a little comment on here!

Don't be life's punching bag!